I've spent about two whole days on this site. I've gone dA-mad. I'm in the process of rearranging all my favorites around, so that it suits all my moods. Hopefully it'll work out, and actually finish, because I usually leave things undone. A really bad habit. *sigh* I've been feeling so disconnected from the entire world. I don't even know if I can say I feel connected to myself anymore, either. It seems as if I try my best to block my mind from having anything enter whatsoever. And while that does benefit me in the moment, it leaves me nothing but more confused when I try to snap back to reality, so I try another dose of distractions all over again. Sort of like a drug.

The boyfriend and I haven't seen each other in 2 weeks. Our one and a half year anniversary just recently passed. I don't even have an urge to see/speak to him. I'm like that a lot. It sucks. Because I always have to force myself to feel/see/do things, otherwise I'd be a dead zombie. I guess now that I'm finally typing, I'm getting to actually think about it. For the past week, I did nothing but ignore him, why? I feel bored. Not entirely of him, but of life. I mean, there's just nothing to do anymore. Which is why I think I should volunteer and uplift my mood a little. I don't even care for a job- this just may cause an uproar in a house that finally dimmed down on that. But I don't care. I forced myself to do that, too.

But I'm joggling a little bit. There's nothing I back down from more than committment. Committment is scary. It's too permanent. Which is why I never fnish things, for one. Because I know I'm the type who changes my mind way too much, so what if I want something back? Or want things to be done another way? Or changed my hair style, or feel like I want a different type of clothing style? Or feel like "I'm not the sweet type, I'm really the bitchy type, look how cold hearted I am!", or the exact opposite? Committment refrains you from going to another place that might have been a little more sweeter. I don't know. I mean, I've only been in this relationship for so long, and god only knows how many times I've attempted to break things off. Sometimes, I know if I really really really think about it, I'd feel really angry. Because of all we had to go through to be where we are now- how many different things i had to force to happen. Why is my life all surrounded by my self-control? Ugh.

I want to be free. I want to feel the wind tickle my face, and close my eyes to feel the sensation of living flowing through my body. I want to feel my hair floating around in the air, in all different directions. I miss that feeling. Where did my innocence go?